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So, a while back I rediscovered something I wrote:

"Death is a sanctuary, you earn it by getting through life gracefully."

Found in the later part of last year, it was written in October, 2007. I was 14 at the time, and seeing as I automatically see me as anything under 17 as around 11-12, I can't believe I had the capacity to say something that deep. That said, I think I was going through my emo phase at that point. So I'd have been coming up with anything depressing. The less said about that, the better. 

Anyway, to the point. I still can't decide whether this is actually severly depressing, or if it can actually be construed as motivational. Motivational possibly too strong a word, but you get the idea: death is coming, make the most out of life, even if it sucks. Kinda thing.  Half of me loves it. Possibly my morbid half. Without wanting to sound all egotistical, it seems quite insightful, pessimistic, yes, but on the whole (most often) I am a complete pessimist. For those of you who say "you're always optimistic around me..." usually it means I'm trying to get you to shut up. :D

So that was completely unstructured, lacked insight and a literary cess pit, but oh well. I'll just say it "conveys the confusion in my head while thinking about this matter". I guess I wanted to know what other people thought about that statement up there, even thought I doubt many will actually read this.

As you can see, not a particularly well rounded blog today, just a kinda meld of random thoughts that I haven't really thought too much on, if that makes any sense.


I'm gonna attempt to salvage this blog, with a rant about epic things I've bought recently. I say recently, when I mean abut a week or two ago. When I still had money.



Zoe, you read?
That's right, I bought books. It is irrelevant that I haven't started them yet, the point is I bought them. I promise it wasn't just to say that I have the novelised prequels of both Mass Effect and Dragon Age, I swear. Oh shi- now I sound like a nerd. Ch'yeah I know I'm a nerd. The reason I haven't started reading them yet is I'm currently reading a book I got for Valentines day (which went fantastically, by the way, more on that later. Possibly tonight, need to write a decent blog to make up for this trash heap).


I can actually catch them all now.
No, I did not buy many a prostitute so that I could collect STDs, nor did I head out to an impoverished country to be bitten by the female anopheles mosquito and contract malaria (thank you, higher geography) so that I could catch a load of other diseases either. I have in fact bought Pokemon Ruby and Pokemon Sapphire, to go with having already owned Emerald. I did actually buy Ruby with Emerald wayyyyy back when I was... 14 again. But I gave it to a friend, and never got it back... oh well. Before people start yelling at me for owning third generation games but still considering myself a real Pokemon gamer (*crickets*), I also own red and yellow for the original Gameboy. Yes, that was just me showing off. Not that I can say much, seeing as I own, completed and actually enjoyed Pokemon Ranger...even if it did kill my DS screen.


Last but certainly not least...
Today I bought a garlic infused Bernard Matthews smoked sausage. Speaking of, it's tea time. Ta ra!

Oh hai.

Blog blog.
Blog blog blog.

Bloop.

It's the 7th of February.

What's that I hear you screaming? It's Valentine's day in a week? I didn't notice!

I mean, c'mon, it's not like the fact is being shoved down our throats in the form of massively garish cardboard cut-outs in every single shop we step into. It's not like it slaps us in the face with every loved-up couple we meet. It's not like the adverts on every site we go on are screaming "YOU PEOPLE IN COUPLES, HERE'S A SPECIAL DAY FOR YOU!".

If that were happening, I totally would know that a week today will be my very first Valentine's Day.
Two things I need to address in that statement.

 1. I'm aware I wrote that first paragraph like a frustrated single person.

         2. I'm aware that I, at 18, am only just experiencing my first Valentine's day.

As for the first thing, this is kinda to be expected seeing as I have spent the first 17 Valentine's days of my life as a frustrated singleton. Hell, I even bought the CD:

People who read this may be surprised I cared, because I'm not one for feeling sorry for myself and bubbling on about how "nobody wants me" and "I feel so lonely because I can't possibly have fulfillment in life without an other half". I have never been the type whose life revolves around who I am going out with, who I like, whose life comes to a halt whenever I'm single. THAT is why I resented Valentine's day. That insinuation that those who are in a relationship are automatically happier than those who are not. I resented the fact that a psychologist wrote an article stating that women who say they are happy being single are lying.

I for one, was a very happy singleton. I enjoyed being alone. Sure, it meant the inevitable "gooseberry" syndrome, which can be truly soul destroying, but I am an example of a person who was genuinely happy being single. 

Now, that in no way means I don't enjoy being in a relationship, that's not the point of this blog. Now, I'm experiencing Valentine's day while actually having someone to celebrate it with. I STILL resent the fact that the day seems to represent a kick in the teeth for all single people, however I do have one message for anyone who will be spending this year single.

Valentine's day is not everything it's cracked up to be. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's fantastic that couples will take a day out to show their other half how much they care and appreciate them. I am absolutely certain I'm going to enjoy the actual day, since I have found myself someone truly amazing to spend it with... (all together now, "N'YAWWWW!") but all those adverts you see of couples sharing cards and luxury meals together and the cardboard cutouts of happy couples sure don't get across the sense of panic and pressure to get everything right. Maybe that's just because of my lack of experience. Does it get easier every time? 

Start with the card. D'you know how difficult it is to find one without the L word? Now, I am not against the word, but for those fresh into a relationship it's not the sort of thing you're looking for. With a card, it's easy to come off too strong. At the same time, if you get a card too lighthearted and your other half gets a serious one, you've managed to make them look a twat and/or make them think you're not serious about the relationship. You have to get it just right. 

Which is why I went to moonpig.com. I can't endorse this site enough. Mainly because I got a card that is very "me". Not a soppy, romantic, cutesy thing, because that is definitely not me. 

Now with the present. Again, in a fresh new relationship, this is more difficult, especially if your other half refuses to cooperate and won't give you hints (looking at you, Iain). Do you spend lots and risk showing them up when they've gone the chocolates-and-a-sweet-card route? Or do you risk spending a little, and feeling a wee bit shite when they've gone the whole hog for you? Also, what do you get? I for one was stumped. Completely. I was told "socks is the desperate, last minute thing 'cause it reeks of desperation and last minute" and "a personalised gift is always nice". I was asked "what does he like?" and "Is there anything you both share as an interest?". Most of these drew blanks from me. 

As it stands, one of the things I was asked triggered a brain wave. I won't say what, or what I ended up on, because said amazing someone may read this later, and he's not getting any more clues. 

 To be fair, there is a sense of exhiliration once you have that brainwave, similar to when you get someone a truly awesome Christmas or birthday present and it's great fun to tease them, and try not to spill what it is because you're so excited about it. At least, that's how I react when I get a super awesome present for someone. 

So to sum up. I don't hate Valentine's day, I hate the connotations it has and the implications it has for single people (not that they're complete victims, there are some who seem to use Valentine's as an excuse to be miserable but they're not common). I am truly looking forward to my first Valentine's with Iain. For the record however, some couples truly are insufferable. Not naming names of course. We'll call them Supermandrew and Dearest Lois Lannah.

That's all for now, seeya in a month.
Or so.

Or just whenever I next blog...