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So, a while back I rediscovered something I wrote:

"Death is a sanctuary, you earn it by getting through life gracefully."

Found in the later part of last year, it was written in October, 2007. I was 14 at the time, and seeing as I automatically see me as anything under 17 as around 11-12, I can't believe I had the capacity to say something that deep. That said, I think I was going through my emo phase at that point. So I'd have been coming up with anything depressing. The less said about that, the better. 

Anyway, to the point. I still can't decide whether this is actually severly depressing, or if it can actually be construed as motivational. Motivational possibly too strong a word, but you get the idea: death is coming, make the most out of life, even if it sucks. Kinda thing.  Half of me loves it. Possibly my morbid half. Without wanting to sound all egotistical, it seems quite insightful, pessimistic, yes, but on the whole (most often) I am a complete pessimist. For those of you who say "you're always optimistic around me..." usually it means I'm trying to get you to shut up. :D

So that was completely unstructured, lacked insight and a literary cess pit, but oh well. I'll just say it "conveys the confusion in my head while thinking about this matter". I guess I wanted to know what other people thought about that statement up there, even thought I doubt many will actually read this.

As you can see, not a particularly well rounded blog today, just a kinda meld of random thoughts that I haven't really thought too much on, if that makes any sense.


I'm gonna attempt to salvage this blog, with a rant about epic things I've bought recently. I say recently, when I mean abut a week or two ago. When I still had money.



Zoe, you read?
That's right, I bought books. It is irrelevant that I haven't started them yet, the point is I bought them. I promise it wasn't just to say that I have the novelised prequels of both Mass Effect and Dragon Age, I swear. Oh shi- now I sound like a nerd. Ch'yeah I know I'm a nerd. The reason I haven't started reading them yet is I'm currently reading a book I got for Valentines day (which went fantastically, by the way, more on that later. Possibly tonight, need to write a decent blog to make up for this trash heap).


I can actually catch them all now.
No, I did not buy many a prostitute so that I could collect STDs, nor did I head out to an impoverished country to be bitten by the female anopheles mosquito and contract malaria (thank you, higher geography) so that I could catch a load of other diseases either. I have in fact bought Pokemon Ruby and Pokemon Sapphire, to go with having already owned Emerald. I did actually buy Ruby with Emerald wayyyyy back when I was... 14 again. But I gave it to a friend, and never got it back... oh well. Before people start yelling at me for owning third generation games but still considering myself a real Pokemon gamer (*crickets*), I also own red and yellow for the original Gameboy. Yes, that was just me showing off. Not that I can say much, seeing as I own, completed and actually enjoyed Pokemon Ranger...even if it did kill my DS screen.


Last but certainly not least...
Today I bought a garlic infused Bernard Matthews smoked sausage. Speaking of, it's tea time. Ta ra!

Oh hai.

Blog blog.
Blog blog blog.

Bloop.

It's the 7th of February.

What's that I hear you screaming? It's Valentine's day in a week? I didn't notice!

I mean, c'mon, it's not like the fact is being shoved down our throats in the form of massively garish cardboard cut-outs in every single shop we step into. It's not like it slaps us in the face with every loved-up couple we meet. It's not like the adverts on every site we go on are screaming "YOU PEOPLE IN COUPLES, HERE'S A SPECIAL DAY FOR YOU!".

If that were happening, I totally would know that a week today will be my very first Valentine's Day.
Two things I need to address in that statement.

 1. I'm aware I wrote that first paragraph like a frustrated single person.

         2. I'm aware that I, at 18, am only just experiencing my first Valentine's day.

As for the first thing, this is kinda to be expected seeing as I have spent the first 17 Valentine's days of my life as a frustrated singleton. Hell, I even bought the CD:

People who read this may be surprised I cared, because I'm not one for feeling sorry for myself and bubbling on about how "nobody wants me" and "I feel so lonely because I can't possibly have fulfillment in life without an other half". I have never been the type whose life revolves around who I am going out with, who I like, whose life comes to a halt whenever I'm single. THAT is why I resented Valentine's day. That insinuation that those who are in a relationship are automatically happier than those who are not. I resented the fact that a psychologist wrote an article stating that women who say they are happy being single are lying.

I for one, was a very happy singleton. I enjoyed being alone. Sure, it meant the inevitable "gooseberry" syndrome, which can be truly soul destroying, but I am an example of a person who was genuinely happy being single. 

Now, that in no way means I don't enjoy being in a relationship, that's not the point of this blog. Now, I'm experiencing Valentine's day while actually having someone to celebrate it with. I STILL resent the fact that the day seems to represent a kick in the teeth for all single people, however I do have one message for anyone who will be spending this year single.

Valentine's day is not everything it's cracked up to be. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's fantastic that couples will take a day out to show their other half how much they care and appreciate them. I am absolutely certain I'm going to enjoy the actual day, since I have found myself someone truly amazing to spend it with... (all together now, "N'YAWWWW!") but all those adverts you see of couples sharing cards and luxury meals together and the cardboard cutouts of happy couples sure don't get across the sense of panic and pressure to get everything right. Maybe that's just because of my lack of experience. Does it get easier every time? 

Start with the card. D'you know how difficult it is to find one without the L word? Now, I am not against the word, but for those fresh into a relationship it's not the sort of thing you're looking for. With a card, it's easy to come off too strong. At the same time, if you get a card too lighthearted and your other half gets a serious one, you've managed to make them look a twat and/or make them think you're not serious about the relationship. You have to get it just right. 

Which is why I went to moonpig.com. I can't endorse this site enough. Mainly because I got a card that is very "me". Not a soppy, romantic, cutesy thing, because that is definitely not me. 

Now with the present. Again, in a fresh new relationship, this is more difficult, especially if your other half refuses to cooperate and won't give you hints (looking at you, Iain). Do you spend lots and risk showing them up when they've gone the chocolates-and-a-sweet-card route? Or do you risk spending a little, and feeling a wee bit shite when they've gone the whole hog for you? Also, what do you get? I for one was stumped. Completely. I was told "socks is the desperate, last minute thing 'cause it reeks of desperation and last minute" and "a personalised gift is always nice". I was asked "what does he like?" and "Is there anything you both share as an interest?". Most of these drew blanks from me. 

As it stands, one of the things I was asked triggered a brain wave. I won't say what, or what I ended up on, because said amazing someone may read this later, and he's not getting any more clues. 

 To be fair, there is a sense of exhiliration once you have that brainwave, similar to when you get someone a truly awesome Christmas or birthday present and it's great fun to tease them, and try not to spill what it is because you're so excited about it. At least, that's how I react when I get a super awesome present for someone. 

So to sum up. I don't hate Valentine's day, I hate the connotations it has and the implications it has for single people (not that they're complete victims, there are some who seem to use Valentine's as an excuse to be miserable but they're not common). I am truly looking forward to my first Valentine's with Iain. For the record however, some couples truly are insufferable. Not naming names of course. We'll call them Supermandrew and Dearest Lois Lannah.

That's all for now, seeya in a month.
Or so.

Or just whenever I next blog...

Progress so far.

Hold on while I open up my last post in another tab, I'm pretty sure there were some resolutions in it...
AH HA. There is, and I sectioned it, how helpful.

Uni:
I'm not back yet. So I can't really comment. I did pass geography, as I found out recently though. So I did pass this semester, fairly well, and don't need to resit anything. How I passed I'll never know, but I'm certainly not complaining.

Lifestyle:
I've been searching for jobs in Stirling. There aren't many, and I'm not being picky. It is such a shame that there is a job in McDonalds that looks taylor made for my needs. I just don't want to do that again. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with working at McDonalds. Some colleagues might say I'm only saying that not to piss off people who work there, but I genuinely am quite happy working there. It's not the best, but I could do so much worse. So I count my blessings that I got experience that'll look good on my CV somewhere I actually enjoyed. I just want something different.
Oh and turns out I'm now fully qualified to ride a 125cc, and I have all the gear. All I need now is a bike and insurance. Along with that I need that steady income for petrol.


Home:
Haven't gotten rid of me yet. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


So as of yet, bit of a fail on the resolutions thing. But I have done a fairly major thing...
I totally rode a 125cc. Got my confidence, and a sheet of paper that lets me drive one. No pillion passengers though, so if I turn up at a party/meet up/anywhere with said bike, I don't care how much you bitch, moan and whine, you will NOT get a lift ANYWHERE. Oh and no-one gets "a shot" either. So don't bitch, moan, or whine about that either. My motorcycle will be my baby, thus noone gets to ride it, that's paedophelia and rape. Clear? Good.


All done. G'NIGHT!

"BLOG ABOUT PHAPPING!"

I love how that has caught on thanks to me.

...not blogging about phapping. Spelling it with a ph instead of an f.
So yeah, I mentioned I was writing a blog, and I was told to blog about phapping. He then finished that request with "I need something to fap to anyways".
It's nice to see I have some passionate readers.

So basically, "phapping" came about when I felt like the word "fapping" was coming up in conversation so much I needed to change it up a bit. There. Y'happy?

SO. We've had the obligatory pre-new year reflection. So what now?

It's 2011. Let's reflect on the last few days.
I've drank. A lot. Well, okay, in "typical teenager" terms maybe I haven't. However, I considered myself the very occasional binge drinker. I didn't drink often, but when I did it tended to be at a party which didn't happen often due to a lack of venue and generally all of us never having money at the same time. But so far, since turning 18, I have not had a single day without alcohol. On the first, I was clearly drinking, even if between 12am and 5am. On the second, I got taken to the pub. Alannah and I got rather drunk indeed. Then the third, fair enough it was only a glass of cider. And today, some gratuitous smirnoff ice at the cinema. Just because I was trying to get someone to I.D me (they didn't). Oh well.
That's about it for the last few days actually. My bad. x3

On a completely different note I've been on a torture device site tonight. Expect a blog about this later. However, I did see this: http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-torture-device-coloring-book/550889.
Late birthday present, anyone?

Bye for now.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So it's almost 2011...

...so I may as well blog about it.
My original idea was gonna be an attempt at comedy, simultaneously posting things here and on tumblr and posting links to each new section of the conversation, and make it look like blogger was taking the piss out of tumblr for it getting just as little attention as blogger. Lame and time consuming venture that very few would take part in, maybe. Realised this wouldn't work however, without the URL of each post which I wouldn't have unless I posted it, and I couldn't be arsed with the extra hassle that would bring.

If I get significant interest (which I seriously doubt) I might give it a go.

So this is gonna be less of a blog about 2011, and more of what 2010 did to me. But I'll stick some resolutions that (if lucky) will last till January 2nd.

So if you told January 2010 Zoe some of the ways she'd change she probably wouldn't believe you.
I've gotten much more cynical. That's believable, it's kinda part of my personality and my pessimism (closely linked to my cynicism) is a trait I'm fairly proud of.
I'd enjoy uni. I was scared as hell about it, I feared being lonely, living alone, not having my mum to guide me every second of the day... Come to think of it, I knew this too. Deep down I knew I'm independent enough to live alone, happy enough in myself to be quite happy being alone (if that were to happen) and taking care of myself. I just didn't, because I didn't have to. The lazy side of me used the lack of requirement to be independent to it's full advantage.
I'd get into uni. I was pretty certain I wouldn't, for example, I had already started making plans for getting a full time job (well, thought about it) and preparing for the results of doom, telling me that Stirling had rejected me. Ahhh, but again, deep down, I knew I stood a chance. Maybe I wasn't FULLY aware that I'd get in, but there was enough of a confidence that I would get into uni to stop myself panicking about it. Yeah, this is again down to the point that my personality automatically prepares me for the bigger falls (pessimism = less of a fall when you fail, more happiness when you succeed).
That I'd have so much fun seeing Mary off/surviving while she's gone. I'd assumed the whole thing was gonna be tear filled, miserable and deathly. Oh wait...I knew that too. Because I know that any event that involves all of my friends getting together for some damn good fun, as is planning the damn good fun events that'll happen in 2011 when she returns, with her funny new accent that (here's hoping) she'll have picked up. See? Pessimism again.


So yeah, the point of that? 2010 wasn't a remarkable year. Nor was it entirely pointless, it was just another year in my mental, physical and emotional development.
That's not to say that I don't appreciate the effect some people have had on me this past year. And since noone is likely to actually read this I see no harm in mentioning names:



Mum: Thank you for generally being you. An awesome well of support, banter and many many giggles this past year, and for all the keeping-me-on-track "I'm not angry, just disappointed" situations that've made me a better person over the years.

Andrew: We may not have been friends for long but you've been really good to me and amused me with many a blog/vlog, with a lot of banter (and alcohol) along the way. Hey, and if you weren't around this blog wouldn't be either. The Great Toothbrush War will be mine. Plus, you're one of the few who might actually read this so it's worth giving you a shout out. I suppose.

Naomi: Funny how someone so far away you've never actually met can have so much impact in your life. You've been a constant source of uber lulz and awesomeness this past year. Plz move to Scotland. Kthxbye.

Kadeem: Same goes for you about the never met/far away bit. I genuinely do not think I could possibly have passed those essays/this semester without your critique and advice. And thank you, also for just being you.

Alannah, Alisha and Sammi: I heart you all, for the same reasons, and I figure you guys were the most likely to give me a kicking/abuse for not giving a specific mention. I loveeeeee you <3

My closest friends: You know who you are, and if you don't, I haven't been appreciating you enough, and you should leave an abusive comment.

The McCrew: With a name like "the McCrew" how could you not be awesome? Thanking you for making work vaguely enjoyable, and not letting it be robotic. Also, yous all made me less shy. Which is brilliant, and stood me in good stead for going to uni and meeting even more new people.


Forgive me for making this quite a long blog, but in the words of someone smarter than me "it's a year in review/year ahead. There's alot to write about." (I then corrected his use of "alot" -> "a lot").


So, on to 2011. What do I want to accomplish? Imma break this down into sections.

Uni:
It'd be really, really cool if I could pass this next semester, too. Preferably without pre-mentioned essay guru. Just so I can be certain I'm capable of doing it alone. I'd also like to start experimenting with food more. I mean more than just adding tuna to a tin of chilli con carne (it really did taste good, honest!). I'm now living alone, with complete control over what I'm eating, so why not experiment a bit? Finally, I'd like to get out more. Contrary to popular (mother's) belief, I am not the typical "gets pissed every night especially on nights before exams" student. I don't want to be that kind of student, but I also don't want to remain the typical "stays in every night, staring at Facebook for something interesting to happen" student.

Lifestyle:
Must get job. I know, I've got one. But I need a job for when I'm not at home. This may mean dropping current job, and working in Stirling during the holidays, which means I'll miss a lot of people, but it'll be worth it for the extra cash. So that I can afford the costs driving lessons, insurance, petrol and actual vehicle that will inevitably crop up in my quest to be a fully fledged (125cc) biker. I also want to get better at saving money. At the moment it burns a hole in my pocket when I have it, and when I don't, I can't afford the thread to fix said hole. That was a terrible analogy.

Home:
I'd like to visit more. I know, the idea of getting a job in Stirling directly conflicts with this hope, but if possible, I want to make certain I don't lose the ties I have back home so that I don't seriously consider that idea to move to Stirling/Glasgow/some other city, not necessarily in Britain on a more permanent basis after uni. Hopefully, if I do get that bike and the money to run said bike, this will be easier. Must hone sense of direction.

Well, that's me done I think.
Thanks for reading if you did. If you didn't, you wont be here to read any insult I leave, so I won't waste minutes trying to think of something witty and abusive.

That will be all, until 2011.

P.S HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone, and I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas :)

Avast! Taking a break.

So I know many of you will be saying "ha! Look there she goes slacking off again!"
Stfu. I have been studying since 10 past 10. So I'm taking a break, lest my head actually implode with the influx of psychological terms, implications, processes, etc. So, Grooveshark on, headphones in, blogger up.

I'm finally continuing the music blogging. Again, genres are very loose, so don't bitch at me.
And we move on to:


ROCK


Paramore:
I'm not linking anyone to anything by Paramore. Everyone knows Paramore. Most people like Paramore. But I like Paramore in a very particular way. I'm not particularly fond of All We Know Is Falling. I'm even less fond of Brand New Eyes. I despise Airplanes. I know that's only Hayley Williams... but face it. Paramore IS Hayley Williams. In truth, I like a few songs from All We Know Is Falling. I have a soft spot for Decode. But honestly, I am in LOVE with Riot!. Always have been. Maybe that's because it was the first Paramore album I heard. I don't know. All I know is it never fails to put me in a good mood.
Favourite track: Born For This.


Flyleaf:
Since I'm lazy, I'm not going to link to any songs here either. I discovered Flyleaf from the song I'm So Sick. If you've heard it, you'll know that when you listen the first time it goes something like this; "ahh, she has a sweet voice, this is pretty cool, strange tone...OMG WTF HAPPENED?" as they turn out to excercise sounds you never would've expected from them. Aside from their music, I just can't help but respect the band, in particular Lacey Mosely. Despite not being religious myself, I can't help but respect the message they put across, and the hardships Lacey has pulled herself through with faith. Kinda shows the power of faith, while it may not be the path for everyone, it saves many.
Favourite track: Cassie (Acoustic) "do you believe in God/written on the bullet/and Cassie pulled the trigger"


Seether:
Personally, I love how flexible Seether are. You get some heartwarming/breaking tracks like Broken. Then upbeat, "happy" songs like Rise Above This that genuinely instill a sense of positivity. Eerie songs that give you chills like Eyes of the Devil and Don't Believe. Finally, you get fun songs that are great for singing along to, like Fake It. As you've probably noticed as of this moment I have only heard their Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces album so I am basing my opinion solely on that, so no bitching about how I'm being too narrow. Listening to some of their back catalogue is on my list of things to do.
Favourite track: No Jesus Christ.


Right, cba doing any more, and I need to get back to studying.
P.S don't read this if you think of music as "just a song for listening to" and not a variety of messages/tones/moods/attitudes etc. You might think me weird if that's your definition of music.


That will be all.
Zoe.