I found something out last night. And it's thrown me. I knew how I felt about it when I found out about it, but I pushed it away cus I didn't want to think about it.
Alannah didn't make it to Stirling uni.
I feel for her, she's spent the last 2 years working tirelessly to get into this university. Even when she was rejected last year she didn't give up and just tried again. All year she spoke of how coming to Stirling was her dream and she would achieve it after all her hard work.
I was in no doubt she'd get in, none whatsoever. I mean, how could they reject her? She's far more qualified for the course and ridiculously more motivated than me to do well, how in the hell did I get in and she didn't?
Now, I'm not trying to become the ultimate victim. I just came to a significant realisation that I can't keep bottled up- if I did that I could hide it and let it ruin me.
I'm failing. There is no simpler way to put it than that. Last semester I passed. By. The. Skin. Of. My. Teeth. Have I looked back at this and thought "shit, I gotta put some effort in!"? Sure I have. Have I done anything about it? No. I have not. If anything, it's gotten worse. No, I have gotten worse.
The "I can do it later" bit clearly isn't working for me. I can count on two hands the number of lectures I have actually attended for all three classes this semester on the basis of "I can do it later". Problem with that is I haven't done it later.
I'm wasting an opportunity that by all accounts I have no right to even have.
I am so sorry Alannah. I'm sorry you didn't make it, and I'm sorry I'm not taking full advantage of what, by some fluke or mis-print, has been given to me. Thank God you'll never see this. Oh sh-. Better rename this "a confession".
But it's not just a confession, it's a promise. A promise to myself, a promise to Alannah, a promise to anyone who cares that I will stop pretending to myself I can do this without trying. I can't. And it's not melodramatic to say that not trying now will ruin my life. It will.
I can't let that happen.
*hugs* I'm sorry you're feeling down about things just now. Well, I'm going to give you some advice a friend gave me that I WISH that I'd listened to:
ReplyDelete"A few night's hard work is better than spending to rest of your life not trying your hardest"
Of course now it's too late for me :P
But don't feel bad. You have every right to opportunity like everyone else, so don't through it away like I have.
Hope you feel better soon, chin up, things can only get better :)
*hugs* again
*throw, that is. Argh (that's why I didn't get as far as uni) :(
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